Conditions to enter Hash Trash site:-
1. You must be over 18 years of age
2. If you are sensitive, feel offended in the language used
in the hash trash, please leave this site immediately.
If you can accept drunken language and feel comfortable about it, you are welcome to read on
61.
School Girls
A train hits a bus filled with school girls and they all perish.
They are in heaven trying to enter the pearly gates when St. Peter asks the first girl, "Tiffany, have you ever had any contact with a male organ?"
She giggles and shyly replies, "Well, I once touched the head of one with the tip of my finger."
St. Peter says, "Okay, dip the tip of your finger in the Holy Water and pass through the gate."
St. Peter asks the next girl the same question, "Sandra, have you ever had any contact with a male organ?"
The girl is a little reluctant but replies, "Well, once I fondled and stroked one."
St. Peter says, "Okay, dip your whole hand in the Holy Water and pass through the gate."
All of a sudden, there is a lot of commotion in the line of girls. One girl is pushing her way to the front of the line. When she reaches the front, St. Peter says, "Reva, What seems to be the rush?" The girl replies, "If I'm going to gargle with that Holy Water, I want to do it before Jessica sticks her ass into it."
60.
The Big Dick Elephant
Used to be a man who owned a bar out in the middle of nowhere. Not too many people came to the bar, so he was trying to think of a good gimmick to get people to come. It so happened that he was watching TV at a parade of a circus. As the elephant went by in the TV screen, he had got an idea. Next day, he went down to the circus and inquired about buying an elephant. It just so happened that there was an elderly elephant bull that the circus was planning to retire. After agreeing on a price, the man bought the elephant.
Back at the bar the man put a large jar on the bar with a sign saying: “Make the elephant laugh, $5.00 a shot, win $5,000”
Well, a lot of people thought that they could make the elephant laugh, and soon the jar was almost full. Then one man walked in and said to the bar owner, “I hear you will give any one who can make the elephant laugh $5,000.” “Yeah, he’s out back”
After about five minutes, a tremendous, deep and thundering laughter could be heard coming from behind the bar. Everyone in the bar rushed to the back to see what was going on. When they got there, the elephant was LAUGHING!!! The owner could not believe his eyes. But, a bet was a bet and so he paid the stranger.
The elephant was still laughing for weeks and the bar owner could not stand it and he put a sign on the jar saying: “Make the elephant cry, $5.00 a shot, win $5,000.”
Again, a lot of people tried but they could not get the elephant to stop laughing. Once again the stranger who had gotten the elephant to laugh in the first place walked in. He went to the back to see the elephant. In less than a minute a wail of grief cascaded over the bar. All the patrons ran out to see what was up. The elephant had huge tears running down its cheeks. Again, a bet is a bet and the owner paid the man. Before the man could leave, the bar owner asked how he had gotten the elephant to laugh and then to cry.
“Easy,” said the man, “When I first came, I told him my dick was bigger than his and he laughed. And now I have just proved it to him.”
ON ! ON ! HAPPY HHH
Contributed by Ichibawa
59.Lending a Helping Hand
A group of 3rd, 4th and 5th graders, accompanied by two female teachers, went on a field trip to the local racetrack (Churchill Downs) to learn about thoroughbred horses and the supporting industry (Bourbon), but mostly to see the horses.
When it was time to take the children to the bathroom it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other. The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's room when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal.
Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their pants, and began hoisting the little boys up one by one holding onto their "wee wees" to direct the flow. As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed.
Trying not to show that she was staring, the teacher said, "You must be in the 5th grade".
"No, ma'am, " he replied. "I'm the jockey riding Silver Arrow in the seventh."
58. The Father and the boy
A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and noticed he had his collar on backwards. The little boy asked why he wore his collar that way. The man, who was a priest, said, "I am a Father." The little boy replied, "My Daddy doesn't wear his collar like that." The priest looked up from his book and answered, "I am the Father of many." The boy said, "My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren and he doesn't wear his collar that way." The priest, getting impatient, said, "I am the Father of hundreds' and went back to reading his book. The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned over and said, "Maybe you should wear your pants backwards instead of your collar."
Firming Up
One morning while she was making breakfast, a man walked up to his wife, pinched her on the butt and said, "If you firmed up, we could get rid of your control top panty hose". While this was on the edge of intolerable, she kept silent.
The next morning the man woke his wife with a pinch on each of her breasts and said, "You know, if you firmed these up, we could get rid of your bra." This was beyond a silent response, so she rolled over and grabbed him by his "wackie."
With a death grip in place, she said, "You know, if you firmed this up, we could get rid of the gardener, the postman, the pool man, and your brother."
The Marriage Counselor
The husband and wife go to a counselor after 15 years of marriage. The counselor asks them what the problem is and the wife goes into a tirade listing every problem they have ever had in the 15 years they've been married. She goes on and on and on.
Finally, the counselor gets up, goes around the desk, embraces the woman and kisses her passionately rips off her clothes and makes mad passionate love to her. Needless to say, the woman shuts up and sits quietly with a very satisfied daze.
The counselor turns to the husband and says "that is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do that?"
The husband thinks for a moment and replies, "Well, I can get her here Monday and Wednesday, but Friday's I play golf.
The man and the Rabbi
A man goes to see the Rabbi. "Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it."
The Rabbi asked, "What's wrong?"
The man replied, "My wife is poisoning me."
The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, "How can that be?"
The man then pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me, what should I do?"
The Rabbi then offers, "Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know."
A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, "Well, I spoke to your wife. I spoke to her on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?" The man said "Yes" and the Rabbi! replied, "Take the poison."
57. Two Old Men
Two old men decide they are close to their last days and decide to have a last night on the town. After a few drinks, they ended up at the local brothel.
The Madam takes one look at the two old geezers and whispers to her manager, "Go up to the first two bedrooms and put an inflated doll in each bed. These two are so old and drunk, I'm not wasting two of my girls on them. They won't know the difference."
The manager does as he is told and the two old men go upstairs and take care of their business.
As they are walking home the first man says, "You know, I think my girl was dead!"
"Dead..?" says his friend, "why would you say that?"
"Well, she never moved or made a sound all the time I was loving her."
His friend says, "I think mine was a witch.",
"A witch!? why would you say that?"
"Well, I was really getting into making love to her, kissing her on the neck and on down and then around her ass and when I gave her a little bite, she farted and flew out the window."
56. Jokes
Behind every successful woman, there is a satisfied man
But behind a satisfied woman, there is an exhausted man
Sex is like a restaurant.
Sometimes you get full satisfactory service and
Sometimes you have to be satisfied with self-service.
What makes a happy man ?
Daughter on the cover of Cosmos
Son on the cover of sports illustrated
Mistress on the cover of Playboy and
Wife on the cover of "Missing Persons"
Teacher: What do you want to become?
Johnny: Doctor !
Teacher: Why?
Johnny: Coz it is the only profession where you can tell a woman to take off
her clothes and ask her husband to pay for it.
Old lady aged 85, a virgin, about to die, wanted her tombstone to read:BORN
A VIRGIN, LIVED A VIRGIN, DIED A VIRGIN
The engraver shortened it to : RETURENED UNOPENED
A kid asked the Priest "Father, what is your past-time?"
The Priest tapped the kid's shoulder and replied "Nun, my child, nun."
A 75 year old man got married to a 15 year old girl.
On their first night both were crying - why?
She did not know anything and he had forgotten everything !!
56. An ugly man's story
An ugly man walks into his local pub with a big grin on his face.
"What are you so happy about?" Asks the barman. "Well, I'll tell you," replies the ugly man. "You know, I live by the railway. Well, on my way home last night, I noticed a young woman tied to the tracks, like in the movies.
I of course, went and cut her free and took her back to my place. Anyway, to make a long story short, I scored big time! We made love all night, all over the house. We did everything, me on top, sometimes her on top, every position imaginable!"
"Fantastic!" exclaimed the barman. "You lucky guy. Was she pretty?"
"Dunno...Never found the head "
55. Onions and Christmas Trees
A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, "Dad,how many kinds of boobies are there?
The father, surprised, answers, "Well, son, there's three kinds of breasts. In her twenties, a women's breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her thirties to forties, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After fifty, they are like onions."
"Onions?"
"Yes, you see them and they make you cry."
This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter said, "Mom, how many kinds of 'willies' are there?"
The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, "Well dear, a man goes through three phases. In his twenties, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his thirties and forties, it is a birch, flexible but reliable. After his fifties, it is like a Christmas tree."
"A Christmas tree?"
"Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are for decoration only."
54. *A man joins a very exclusive nudist colony.*
*On his first day there he takes off his clothes and starts to wander around. A gorgeous petite blonde walks by, and the man immediately gets an erection.*
*The woman notices his erection, comes over to him and says, "Did you call for me?"*
*The man replies, "No, what do you mean?"*
*She says, "You must be new here. Let me explain. It's a rule here that if you get an erection, it implies you called for me."*
*Smiling, she leads him to the side of the swimming pool, lies down on a towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her.*
*The man continues to explore the colony's facilities. He enters the sauna and as he sits down, he farts. Within minutes a huge, hairy man lumbers out of the steam room toward him, "Did you call for me?" says the hairy man.*
*"No, what do you mean?" says the newcomer.*
*"You must be new," says the hairy man, "it's a rule that if you fart, it implies that you called for me." The huge man easily spins him around, bends him over a bench and has his way with him.*
*The newcomer staggers back to the colony office, where he is greeted by the smiling, naked receptionist, "May I help you?" she says.*
*The man yells, "Here's my membership card. You can have the key back and you can keep the $500 membership fee."
* *"But, Sir," she replies, "you've only been here for a few hours. You haven't had the chance to see all our facilities."
* *The man replies, "Listen lady, I'm 68 years old. I only get an erection once a month. I fart 15 times a day".*
53. LITTLE TONY ON ENGLISH
Little TONY goes to school, and the teacher says, "Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?"
TONY says "Mas-tur-bate."
Miss Rogers smiles and says, "Wow, little TONY, that's a mouthful."
Little TONY says, "No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob."
52. LITTLE TONY ON GETTING OLDER
Little TONY was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another. After the 6th one a man on the bench across from him said,
"Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat"
Little TONY replied, "My grandfather lived to be 107 years old."
The man asked, "Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?"
Little TONY answered, "No, he minded his own fxxking business.
51. Two 90 year olds had been dating for a while, when the man told the woman, "Well, tonight's the night we have sex!"
And so they did. As they are lying in bed afterward, the man thinks to himself, "My God, if I knew she was a virgin, I would have been much more gentle with her!" And the woman was thinking to herself, "My God, if I knew the old geezer could actually get it up, I would have taken off my panty hose!"
50. Two old ladies were outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it started to rain. One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the end, put it over her cigarette, and continued smoking.
Lady 1: What's that? Lady 2: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet. Lady 1: Where did you get it? Lady 2: You can get them at any drugstore. The next day, Lady 1 hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms. The guy, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand she prefers."Doesn't matter son, as long as it fits a Camel." The pharmacist fainted.
49. by Au Kait
The waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said, "This is from the gentleman seated over there," indicating the sender. She regarded the wine coolly for a second, not looking at the man, and decided to send a reply note to the man. The waiter, who was lingering for a response, took the note from her and conveyed it to the gentleman. The note read: "For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank, and 7 inches in your pants." After reading the note, the man decided to compose one of his own in return. He folded the note, handed it to the waiter and instructed him to return this to the woman. It read: "For your information, I have a Ferrari Maranello, a BMW Z8, a Mercedes CL600 and a Porsche Turbo in my garage. There is over twenty million dollars in my bank account. But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you would I cutthree inches off. Just send the bottle back.”
48. by Au Kiat
A western tourist goes on a trip to China. While in China, he is sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom all the
time. A week after arriving back home in the States, he wakes one morning to find his "tool" covered with bright green and purple freckles. Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor. The doctor, never having seen anything like it, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days. The man returns a couple of days and the doctor says "I've got bad news for you. You've contracted Mongolian VD. It's very rare and almost unheard of here. We know very little about it". The man looks a little perplexed and says "Well, give me a shot or something and fix me up doc". The doctor answers "I'm sorry, there's no known cure. We're going to have to amputate." The man screams in horror "Absolutely not! I want a second opinion". The doctor replies "Well, it's your choice. Go ahead if you want but surgery is your only choice". The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he'll know more about the disease. The Chinese doctor examines his unit and proclaims "Ah yes, Mongolian VD. Vely lare disease". The guy says to the doctor "Yeah yeah, I already know that but what can we do? My American doctor wants to operate and amputate my tool?" The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs "Stupid Amelican docta, always want to opelate. They make more money that way. No need to opelate!" "Oh Thank God!" the man replies. "Yes" says the Chinese doctor "You no worry! Wait two weeks. Prick fall off by itself! You save money!"47, Subject: HOTEL BILL46.
Date: Sun, 27 Feb 2005 09:55:05 -0800
From: au kait
>Next time you think your hotel bill is too high you might want to consider > >this... > >A husband and wife are traveling by car from Key West to Boston. After > >almost twenty-four hours on the road, they're too tired to continue, and > >they decide to stop for a rest. > >They stop at a nice hotel and take a room, but they only plan to sleep for > >four hours and then get back on the road. > >When they check out four hours later, the desk clerk hands them a bill for > >$350. > >The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high. He tells > >the clerk although it's a nice hotel, the rooms certainly aren't worth >$350. > >When the clerk tells him $350 is the standard rate, the man insists on >speaking to the Manager. > >The Manager appears, listens to the man, and then explains that the hotel >has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center that were available >for the husband and wife to use. > >"But we didn't use them," the man complains. > >"Well, they are here, and you could have," explains the Manager. > >He goes on to explain they could have taken in one of the shows for which > >the hotel is famous. "The best entertainers from New York, Hollywood and > >Las Vegas perform here," the Manager says. > >"But we didn't go to any of those shows, "complains the man again. > >"Well, we have them, and you could have," the Manager replies. >No matter what facility the Manager mentions, the man replies, "But we >didn't use it!" >The Manager is unmoved, and eventually the man gives up and agrees to pay. > >He writes a check and gives it to the Manager. > >The Manager is surprised when he looks at the check. "But sir," he says, > >this check is only made out for $50." > >"That's correct," says the man. "I charged you $300 for sleeping with my > >wife." > >"But I didn't!" exclaims the Manager. > >"Well, too bad," the man replies. "She was here and you could have."
from: "PekSeng Lee" Sent: Wednesday, February 23, 2005 10:15 PM Whats the difference between Stress,Tension and Panic ?
"Stress" is when wife is pregnant.
"Tension" is when girlfriend is pregnant.
"Panic" is when maid is pregnant.
A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam.
Finally the doctor arrived, examined the baby,
checked his weight, and being a little
concerned, asked if the baby was
breast-fed or bottle-fed.
Breast-fed" she replied.
"Well, strip down to your waist," the doctor ordered.
She did. He pinched her nipples, then pressed,
kneaded, and rubbed both breasts
for a while in a detailed examination.
Motioning to her to get dressed, he said,
"No wonder this baby is underweight. You don't have any milk."
"I know," she said, "I'm his Grandma, but I'm glad I came."
44.
Subject: Oranges
Date: Sun, 30 Jan 2005 23:54:58 +0800
From: au kait
> > >Molly was a prostitute, but she didn't want her > > >grandma to know.One day,the police raided a whole > > >group of prostitutes at hotel,and Molly was among > > >them. The police took them outside and had all the > > >prostitutes line up along the driveway when > > >suddenly,Molly's grandma came by and saw her > > >granddaughter. > > > > > >Grandma asked, "Why are you standing in line here, > > >dear?" Not willing to let her grandmother know the > > >truth, Molly told her grandmother that the policemen > > >were passing out free oranges and she was just lining > > >up for some. "Why, that's awfully nice of them. I > > >think I'll get some for myself." And she proceeded to > > >the end of the line. > > > > > >A policeman was going down the line asking for > > >information from all the prostitutes. When he got to > > >grandma, he was bewildered and exclaimed, "Wow, still > > >going at your age? How do you do it?" > > > > > >Grandma replied, "Oh, it's easy, dear. I just take out > > >my dentures, rip the skin back and suck them dry." > > > > > >The policeman fainted. > > > > > > > > > > > 43.By Au Kait on 07-01-2005
Sent: Thursday, January 06, 2005 4:26 PMSubject: One Liners To Make Your Day!
|
One Liners To Make Your Day!
Jason asks his grandpa: "Do you still have sex with Granny?"
Grandpa says: "Yes, but only Oral".
Jason says: "what is oral?"
Grandpa: "I say F**k you, and she says:F**k you too"
The 3 tragedies in a man's life:
1- life sucks
2- job sucks
3- Wife does NOT!
A man is dying of cancer.
His son: "Dad why you keep telling people you're dying of AIDS??".
Answer: "so that when I die, no one will dare to f**k your mother."
"I am your Doctor. sorry to inform you that you have a brain problem.
Your brain is in 2 parts... Left and right.
The left part has nothing right in it, & the right has nothing
left in it"
YESTERDAY NEWS: A nun jogging in the park was raped.
TODAY'S NEWS: Hundreds of nuns are jogging in the park!
Question: "Why is a waist called a waist?"
Answer: "because anything above the p**sy and below the tits is a
waste"
A lady tells her Man: "I demand good manners in bed, just like at the
dinner table".
The man climbs into bed slowly and says: "Honey, would you please
pass me the vagina?"
Nowadays, 80% of women are against marriage as they finally realised
with wisdom that for 60 grams of sausage, it is not worth buying the whole
pig. 42. By Au Kait on 2-12-2004
> > Subject: FW: the Nude Runner > > > > > >> > >A woman was having a daytime affair while her > >> > husband was at work. > >> > > > >> > >One wet and lusty day, she was in bed with her > >> > boyfriend when, to her > >> > >horror > >> > > she heard her husband's car pull into the > >> > driveway. > >> > > > >> > >"Oh my God - Hurry! Grab your clothes and jump out > >> > the window. My > >> > husband's > >> > >home early!" > >> > > > >> > >"I can't jump out the window ~ It's raining out > >> > there!" > >> > > > >> > >"If my husband catches us in here, he'll kill us > >> > both!" she replied. > >> > "He's > >> > >got a hot temper and a gun, so the rain is the > >> > least of your problems!" > >> > > > >> > >So the boyfriend scoots out of bed, grabs his > >> > clothes and jumps out the > >> > >window!As he ran down the street in the pouring > >> > rain, he quickly > >> > discovered > >> > >he had run right into the middle of the town's > >> > annual marathon, so he > >> > >started running along beside the others, about 300 > >> > of them. > >> > > > >> > >Being naked, with his clothes tucked under his arm, > >> > he tried to blend > >> > in as > >> > >best he could. After a little while, a small group > >> > of runners who had > >> > been > >> > >watching him with some curiosity, jogged closer. > >> > > > >> > >"Do you always run in the nude?" one asked. > >> > > > >> > >"Oh yes!" he replied, gasping in air. "It feels so > >> > wonderfully free!" > >> > > > >> > >Another runner moved a long side. "Do you always > >> > run carrying your > >> > clothes > >> > >with you under your arm?" > >> > > > >> > >"Oh, yes" he answered breathlessly. "That way I can > >> > get dressed right > >> > at > >> > >the > >> > >end of the run and get in my car to go home!" > >> > > > >> > >Then a third runner cast his eyes a little lower > >> > and queried, "Do you > >> > >always > >> > >wear a condom when you run?" > >> > > > >> > >"Nope.........just when it's raining!" > >> > > 41. By Au Kait on 2-12-2004. Newly Married Man
40. An enormously wealthy 65 year old man falls in love with a young woman in her 20s and is contemplating a proposal. " Do you
think she'd marry me if I tell her I'm 45?" he asked his friend.
39. A young farm girl answers the door. An older neighbour is standing there.
38. A woman is in bed with her lover - her husband's best friend - when the phone rings. "Hello," she says, " I'm so glad you're
having such a good time. Thanks for calling. I love you too. Bye bye."
37. The husband of one of our obsterics patients phoned the doctor to ask if it would be OK to make love to his wife while he
was taking medication for an infected foot." 36. A 90 year old man is having his annual check up at his doctor's office. He said to the doctor," I have never felt better in my whole life. In fact, I have a 20 year old bride who's pregnant and having my child. What do you think of that!" The doctor thinks for a while, and then said, " Let me tell you a story. I know this guy who was an avid hunter. He never missed a hunting season . But one day he was in a hurry to go hunting and accidentally grabed his umbrella instead of his rifle and went into the woods and suddenly a giant grizzly bear appeared out of nowhere. He raised his umbrella, pointed at the bear, squeezed the handle and the bear dropped dead in front of him. What do you think of that?" The old man said, " that is impossible ! " " Exactly! " answered the doctor. 35. Translated from N S Pau on 27-06-04
A couple with several kids use code when they want sex. After 5 minutes, the husband turned back again, and begged the wife, " Darling, please, washing machine, washing machine mah! " " I got a severe headache! " answered the wife. So, the husband turned away obediently. 10 minutes later, the wife felt a bit guilty, and got near to the husband and said softly, " Ok lah, washing machine! " the husband exhaustively answered, " Hai, never mind lah, after all the volume is not that big, I had already hand washed it ". 34. Translated from N S Pau on 27-06-04 In London, at the home party of a politician, a woman from a developing country asked the politician, " Where is the location of the so called Virgins Island ?" " ummm-- actually I would like to know also, but I am very certain it is not in England! " answered the politician. 33. Translated from N S Pau on 27-06-04 The three stages of the sex life of a man are as follows:-
1. tri-weekly 32. Contributed by Jason Tan Kim Kuan of Malacca Sunday HHH on 27-6-04
Girl said to boss
A couple drove down on the high way just after a quarrel.
A nun goes for a urine test and by mistake the sample got mixed up.
What is the similiarity between banking and having sex?
If you have sex 365 times this year and kept all the condoms and melt them. 31. Contributed by Au Kait on 16-06-04
Sent: Wednesday, June 16, 2004 6:52 PM
Subject: Fwd: Fw: Overdue
>Mr.Sharma comes home one night, and his wife throws her >arms around his neck: >"I have great news: I'm a month overdue. I think we're >going to have a baby! The doctor gave me a test today, but until >we find out for sure, we can't tell anybody." > > The next day, Mrs.Sharma receives a telephone call from >AEC (Ahmedabad Electric Company) because the electricity bill has >not been paid. >"Am I speaking to Mrs.Sharma ?" >"Yes...... speaking" >AEC guy, "You're a month overdue, you know!" >"How do YOU know?" stammers the young woman. >"Well, ma'am, it's in our files!" says the AEC guy . >"What are you saying? It's in your files ......HOW ?????" >"Yes ............. We have a system of finding out who's >overdue" >"GOD !!!!!!......... this is too much.........." >"Madam, I am sorry...... I am following orders.... I have to >inform you are overdue" >"I know that ....... let me talk to my husband about this >tonight. .... he will speak to your company tomorrow " > >That night, she tells her husband about the visit, and he, mad >as a bull, rushes to AEC office the next day morning. >"What's going on? You have it on file that my wife is a month >overdue? What business is that of yours?" the husband shouts. >"Just calm down," says the lady at the reception at AEC, "it's >nothing serious. All you have to do is pay us." >"PAY you? For WHAT?!? And if I refuse?" >"Well, in that case, sir, we'd have no option but to cut yours >off." >"And what would my wife do then?" the husband asks. >"I don't know. I guess she'd have to use a candle."30. Contributed by Au Kait on 19-06-04
Subject: Difference (18XX)
Q: What's the difference between cricketers and condoms
A: Cricketers drop the catches and condoms catches the drops. Q: What is the difference between riding a bicycle and a woman?
A: Riding a bicycle you fix your ass & move your legs, riding a woman you fix your legs & move your ass. Q: What makes a happy man? A: Daughter is on the cover of Vogue, son on the cover of Sports Illustrated, mistress on the cover of Playboy and wife on the cover of Missing persons. Q: What three things are common between the sun and woman's underwear? A: Both are hot, both look better while going down and both disappear at night. Q: Why do men ask for a woman's hand in marriage? A: Because they are tired of using their own. Q: What's common between men and video? A: Both go backward...forward... backward... forward...backward....forward...stop and eject. Q: What is the closest thing similar to a woman's period? A: Your salary, it comes once a month lasts about 5-7 days and if it doesn't come means you are in big trouble Q: What goes in dry, comes out wet, and gives warm satisfaction? A: A teabag. Q: 7 qualities to be a perfect wife:
A: Beautiful, Responsible, Energetic, Adorable, Sweet, Truthful and Self-Organized. In short, she must have good B.R.E.A.S.T.S Q: Who is a gynaecologist ? A: He is the only fool on the earth who looks for problems in a place, where most people find pleasure.
The Wong Family.
Su Wong marries Lee Wong. The next year the Wong's have a new
baby.
The nurse brings over a lovely, healthy, bouncy, but
definitely
Caucasian, white baby boy to the new parents.
"Well Mr. Wong, what will you and Mrs Wong name the
baby?"
The puzzled father looks at his new baby boy and says,
"Well, two Wong's don't make a white, so I think we will name
him
Sum Ting Wong.
28. contributed by Vijay on 18th June 04 Subject: Dave's Last Night > > >Dave returned from a doctor's visit one day and told his wife Alma that the > >doctor said he only had 24 hours to live. Wiping away her tears, he asked > >her to make love with him. Of course she agreed and they made passionate > >love. > > > >Six hours later, Dave went to her again, and said, "Honey, now I only have > >18 hours left to live Maybe we could make love again?" Alma agreed and > >again they made love. > > > >Later, Dave was getting into bed when he realized he now had only eight > >hours of life left. He touched Alma's shoulder and said, "Honey? Please? > > > >Just one more time before I die." > > > >She agreed, then afterward she rolled over and fell asleep. > > > >Dave, however, heard the clock ticking in his head, and he tossed and > >turned until he was down to only four more hours. He tapped his wife on the > >shoulder to wake her up. "Honey, I only have four hours left! Could > >we...?" > > > >His wife sat up abruptly, turned to him and said, "Listen Dave, for fxxx's > >sake, I have to get up in the morning! You don't. >
Have fun
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! In war soldiers get injured, right? Here's how different races exclaim: When the BRITISH got shot - OH MY GOD.....!!!! When the MALAY got shot - YA ALLAH....!!! When the INDIAN got shot - AH-YOYO AMMAH...!!! But when the CHINESE Hokkien got shot, they go - NABUEH CHEE BYE, TIOK LIAO...!!!! **************************** Signal for sex: Man marries deaf girl. He mimes to her: "Let's make a signal code if we want sex?" She nods and agrees. So he goes: "If I want sex, I'll squeeze your breast. In response you can shake my penis once for "yes" and 50 times for "no".... **************************** Smart Thambi Thambi ask hooker how much for sex? She says: $50 on bed, $20 on sofa and $10 on grass. He then hands her $50. She says: "You man of class, one time on bed...?" He says: "NO!! 5 times on grass...." **************************** Comfort in Friendship: "Friends" are like underwear; always a comfort... "Good friends" are like condoms; always protecting... "Great friends" are like viagra; lift you up when you're down ..... **************************** New drink from Malaysia: The Malaysian government has approved the release of a new drink made with cutting edge technology. It's a combination of Horlicks, Milo Kopi & Teh. It's called - "LICKMYKOTEH".... **************************** Expiry date A 95 yr old man sucks his 90yr old wife's breast for 1/2 hour, drinks 2 drops of her milk and dies... Post-mortem report - Died of drinking something after EXPIRY DATE ... **************************** Biology Lesson Teacher: A man's penis has 2 key functions: Urination & Reproduction. Student: But my dad uses it to brush our maid's teeth. **************************** Positive thinking Positive thinking is like this.... A little bird flies up in the sky; you look up and it shits in your eye... But you don't mind and you don't cry... But you thank God that cows don't fly..... **************************** Sexy Grandma Last night, grandma wore a see-through top, grandpa didn't notice. The 2nd night grandma wore a bikini, grandpa got a shock. And on the 3rd night, she got naked and grandpa says to her: "why is your dress so crumpled...???" **************************** Government job A guy goes to interview for a Government job. The interviewer asks him, "Are you a veteran?" The guy says, "Why yes, in fact, I served two tours in Vietnam." "Good," says the interviewer, "That counts in your favor. Do you have any service-related disabilities?" The guy says, "In fact I am 100% disabled. During a battle, an explosion removed my private parts so they declared me disabled, it doesn't affect my ability to work, though." "Sorry to hear about the damage, but I have some good news for you, I can hire you right now ! Our working hours are 8 to 4. Come on in about 10, and we'll get you started." The guy says, "If working hours are from 8 to 4, why do you want me to come at 10?" " Well, here at the government, we don't do anything but sit around and scratch our balls for the first two hours. No point of your coming in for that !" ----------------------------------------- Subject: Why women talk so much A husband looking through the paper came upon a study that said women use more words than men. Excited to prove to his wife that he had been right all along when he accused her of talking too much, he showed her the study results. It read: "Men use about 15,000 words per day, but women use 30,000." The wife thought for a while, then finally she said to her husband, "It's because we have to repeat everything we say." The husband said, "What?" 26.Contributed by Mari on 25-05-04
A businessman sends a fax to his wife: “To My Dear Wife, You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you with your 54 years can no longer supply. I am very happy with you and value you as a good wife. Therefore after reading this fax, I hope that you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my 18 year old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel. Please don’t be perturbed I shall be back home before midnight”. When the man came home, he found the following letter on the dining room table. “My Dear Husband, I received your fax and thank you for your honesty. I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are also 54 years old. At the same time I would like to inform you that while you read this, I will be at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael my tennis coach, who like your secretary is also 18 years old. As a successful businessman and with your excellent knowledge of Math, you will understand that we are in the same situation, although with one small difference. 18 goes into 54 more often than 54 goes into 18. Therefore I will not be back before lunchtime tomorrow”.
25. Contributed by member, Lee Peck Seng, the Pecker on 20-05-04
1. Women are unpredictable. Before
marriage, she expects a man, after marriage she suspects him, and after death
she respects him. 2. There was this guy who told his
woman that he loved her so much that he would go thru hell for her. They got married -
and now he is going
thru hell. 3. A man inserted an 'ad' in
the classifieds : "Wife wanted ". Next day, he
received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing :
"You can have mine." 4. When a man opens the door of his
car for his wife, you can be
sure of one thing: either the car is new or the
wife. 5. It's easy to tell if a man is
married or not. Just watch him drive a car with a woman sitting
beside him. If both his hands are on the
wheel, you can be sure he is
married. 6. A man received a letter from
some kidnappers. The letter said, "If you don't promise to
send us $100,000 I swear that we will kidnap your wife." The poor man
wrote back, " I am afraid I
can't keep my promise
but I hope you will keep
yours." 7. What's the matter, you look
depressed." "I'm having trouble with
my wife." "What happened?" "She said she wasn't
going to speak to me
for 30 days." "But that ought to make you happy."
"It did, but today is
the last day." WOMAN When she is 18 - She is a
football, 22 men going after her. When she is 28 - She is a hockey ball, 8 men going
after her. When she is 38 - She is
a golf ball, 1 man hitting on her. When she is 48 -
She is a pingpong ball,
2 men pushing to each other. MAN At 20 - A man is like a
coconut, so much to offer, so little
to give. At 30 - He is like a durian,
dangerous but delicious. At 40 - He is like
a watermelon, big, round and juicy.
At 50 - He is like
a mandarin
orange, the season comes once in a year.
At 60 - He is
just like a raisin,
dried out, wrinkles and cheap. Marriage Humour In
the beginning, -- God created earth
and rested. Then God created man and rested.
Then God created woman. Since then, neither God nor
man has rested.
What is the
difference between Monica Lewinski and Monica Seles? A man to his wife:
Behind every successful woman, there is a satisfied man. But
behind satisfied woman, there is an exhausted
man. Sex is like a
restaurant. Sometimes you get full, satisfactory service,
and sometimes you have to be satisfied with
"self-service". A mobile phone is
like a woman : talks non-stop, costs a fortune,
disturbs you when you are busy, and when you need
them urgently, they have no service.
21.
20. The post office has issued a new stamp with a pussy on it for Woman's Awarenesss Week.
19. A survey conducted among men about women legs revealed this :
18. Husband sets house rules for his wife.
17. Singh asked hooker how much?
Date: 2-4-04, contributed by Sunday HHH.
An Amish woman and her daughter were riding in an old buggy one cold,
14. Little BILLY returned from school and said he got an F in arithmetic. " Why?" asked the father. The
teacher asked " how much is 2x3, I said "6", replied BILLY." But that's right!" said his dad. " Yeah,
but then she asked me " how much is 3x2?"" What's the fuxxxng difference?" asked the father. " That's what I said !"
13. A teacher asks her class, " If there are five birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them,
how many will be left?" She calls on littel BILLY. He replies, " None, they will all fly away with the
first gunshot." The
teacher replies, " The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking." Then little BILLY says, " I
have a question for YOU. There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream: One is delicately
licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third
is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?" The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied,
" Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone." To which little BILLY replied, " The correct answer is " the
one with the wedding ring on, but I like your thinking."
12." Mr. Bean's Jokes " is contributed by our member harrier Lee Peck Seng ( The Pecker )
Teacher: What is 5 plus
4? WHILE IN A DRUG
STORE Mr. Bean: I'd like some
vitamins for my grandson. QUEUING BEHIND HIS FRIEND AT
AN ATM MACHINE Friend: What are you looking
at? MARRIAGE Friend: How many women do
you believe a man must marry? MOM Mr. Bean: (crying) The
doctor called, "Mom's dead". MR. BEAN ATTENDING A
MEETING Colleague: Sorry I'm late. I
got stuck in an elevator for 4 hours because of a power failure. SPELLING
LESSON Mr. Bean's Son: Dad, what is
the spelling of 'successful' ... Is it one 'c' or two 'c's?
10. Good Choice
9. Bubba's wife had been pregnant for some time, and the time had finally come. He brought her to the doctor, and the doctor began
to deliver the baby. She had a little boy, and the doctor looked over at Bubba and said, " Hey Bubba!
You just had you a son!" Bubba got excited by this, but just then the doctor spoke up and said," Hold on, son! We ain't finished yet! The
doctor then delivered a little girl, he said, " Hey Bubba! You got you a daughter!" Bubba got kind of puzzled by this, and then the
doctor said, " Hold on, we still ain't finished!" the doctor then delivered another boy. He said, "Bubba, you just had another boy! But don't worry
cause that's it! "
Bubba and wife went home to West Melbourne with the three new children. When they got home, they sat down and began talking
. Bubba said, " Mama, you remember that night that we ran out of Vaseline and we had to use the 3-in-one oil?
She said, " Yeah, I do."
Bubba said, " Mama, it's a dang good thing we didn't use WD-40!"
8. A woman enrolled in nursing school was attending an anatomy class.
7. Viagra vs Tetanus Shot
This old man in his eighties got up and was putting on his coat. His wife says," Where are you going?"
6. The scenario of a pay raise request
I, the penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:-
I do physical labour
Dear Penis:
After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejects
your requests for the following reasons:
You do not work 8 hours straight
5. Mental Hospital
contributed by Pecker
3. In a missionary school, a teacher asked a class of year three pupils:" when we go to heaven, which part of our body God will see it first ?"
2. A woman's garden was growing beautifully but the darn tomatoes wouldn't ripen. There was a limit to the number of uses for the green tomatoes and she had tried them all.
1. In Taiwan, the economy had gone so bad after the Iraqi war, and the attack of SARS, a young couple was so desperate that the husband had to persuade his young wife to go for prostitution. |